Disclaimer: there are lots of boys here. By no means did all or even most of them return my affections, but they all shaped me and my idea of men. Being that the first person who ever hurt me was a male, they are all important. I was a damaged, scared girl, and all I ever wanted was for someone to love me as much as I loved them.
Dear Alex:
I thought I loved you in 4th and 5th grade. I don't remember exactly why, though I remember being pretty obnoxious and you always dealing with me with patience. I still love a man in glasses, though.
Dear Terrence:
I had never before known a boy who was so sexy to me. I loved your drawl, your taste in music, your truck. I was very disappointed when you got back with your ex, but I'm sure that whatever transpired between us would have lead to no good.
Dear Matthew:
I liked you a lot. I don't know if it was the fact we never could spend any quality time together or if our personalities didn't mesh, but it never got easier trying to get to know you.
Dear Saul:
You were so so handsome. You were my first "official" boyfriend, and it was a lot of fun spending time with you. Being who I was, and having the childhood I did, the fact that I felt safe with you was invaluable to me. I am thankful that you were my introduction to the dating world. You set the bar high, and always treated me with respect and kindness, even when I wasn't returning the favor. I think something really incredible could have happened between us if not for both our low self-esteems. I don't know what happened to convince you you were less than you were, but you didn't give yourself enough credit. I hope you do now.
Dear Valente:
I wish I'd had the courage back then that I do now. I would have told you to jump off a cliff the first time you started looking at me that way. It's pretty poor form to date a girl, seduce her, dump her, and then pursue her best friend. I wish I'd told you to go where you belong. Another tip: telling a girl she'd be hotter with a boob job isn't flattering. Also, kissing a girl who's giving you no indication she wants to be kissed, with morning breath even, is a no go. I hope you've grown up.
Dear Timothy:
I'm not sure where my infatuation came from. Familiarity? The fact you were kind to me when so few were? You were always kind. I spent many years pining for you, wishing you'd feel for me the way I felt for you. You must have known that I had a crush on you. I was so aggressive in trying to get you to pay attention to me. Ironic how I wanted nothing more than for you to see me as more than your best friend's little sister, when I acted exactly like an annoying little sister. Even when I wrote you that letter, leaving it in your suit jacket, detailing exactly how crazy I was about you. A lesser boy would have mocked me. A lesser boy would have told his friends and used the opportunity to embarrass me, feeling embarrassed himself at such an intense letter. I only recently realized how much it means that you never did. Your only words on the subject were ever, "I'm sorry." I don't know if you know how much power you had over me. You could have destroyed me. But you only ever treated me with kindness. The years after, when we became actual friends, were full of adolescent craziness, and it was wonderful having you to talk to. I never stopped loving you, but I felt like the weight of needing you to know was gone. When you left on your mission, I loved you. Had you asked me to wait for you, I would have. I don't know if you wanted me to, but if you did, you were weren't selfish enough to ask me to. I would never have met Aaron. I would never have loved Aaron. I don't know what would have happened after your mission, but I hope that, if you ever did have feelings for me, that I didn't hurt them. I'd never do so intentionally.
Dear Clayton:
I thought what I felt for you was as good as it got. I loved your eyes and your mother. I remember feeling like your family was too familiar to me for our relationship to be temporary. It all felt like deja vu. I tried so hard to get you to adore me like you had at the beginning. I sometimes wonder; if you'd shown even a little bit of interest in my faith, would we have married? I don't know. I wonder if we'd have been happy together. Something tells me very much no. I am thankful I chose my faith. I say that with no malice or hard feelings. I'm 100% confident that a lasting relationship between us would have been a mistake and I am thankful that we didn't take the opportunity to hurt each other that way.
Dear Aaron:
I still can't believe this is our life. I will always be thankful that we met that day and that I demanded you take me out without inhibitions. I am sure that we met in the life before this and that we will be together in the life after. It has not always been easy, and it will get hard again, I'm sure. But every day, I go to sleep with a heart full of gratitude that you are mine and I am yours. In retrospect, marrying a person you've only known ten months when you still live in your mom's house is not the smartest move ever, but it has worked out. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you do; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I look forward to honoring the covenants we made that August day for the rest of my life. I have made you and the children we made together the center of my world, and I intend to keep it that way. I don't care that the world tells me that my job is menial, that I am foolish and naive to think that we will always be together. The world doesn't know you, and it doesn't know me. I know you. I know the sounds you make as you sleep. I know the way you smell. The curve of your lips, the sound of your voice when you say my name. I know that when I need a swift kick, you will be there to give it to me, and that you will follow up with lots of affection. I know the way it feels when you are smiling at my back, thinking that I am beautiful, and I know how it feels when you are burning angry lasers in my back. I know that at the end of the day, I can rely on you to be there, even when you are not here. I know that no matter how far apart we are, and no matter how angry we may be at each other, when you close your eyes at night and when you open them in the morning, you love me. And I love you, Aaron. Every day, every moment, I love you. Now, and forever ever.
Aw, this is lovely!
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