Inspired by Alanis Morissette's "Unsent"

Disclaimer: there are lots of boys here. By no means did all or even most of them return my affections, but they all shaped me and my idea of men. Being that the first person who ever hurt me was a male, they are all important. I was a damaged, scared girl, and all I ever wanted was for someone to love me as much as I loved them.

Dear Alex:
I thought I loved you in 4th and 5th grade. I don't remember exactly why, though I remember being pretty obnoxious and you always dealing with me with patience. I still love a man in glasses, though.

Dear Terrence:
I had never before known a boy who was so sexy to me. I loved your drawl, your taste in music, your truck. I was very disappointed when you got back with your ex, but I'm sure that whatever transpired between us would have lead to no good.

Dear Matthew:
I liked you a lot. I don't know if it was the fact we never could spend any quality time together or if our personalities didn't mesh, but it never got easier trying to get to know you.

Dear Saul:
You were so so handsome. You were my first "official" boyfriend, and it was a lot of fun spending time with you. Being who I was, and having the childhood I did, the fact that I felt safe with you was invaluable to me. I am thankful that you were my introduction to the dating world. You set the bar high, and always treated me with respect and kindness, even when I wasn't returning the favor. I think something really incredible could have happened between us if not for both our low self-esteems. I don't know what happened to convince you you were less than you were, but you didn't give yourself enough credit. I hope you do now.

Dear Valente:
I wish I'd had the courage back then that I do now. I would have told you to jump off a cliff the first time you started looking at me that way. It's pretty poor form to date a girl, seduce her, dump her, and then pursue her best friend. I wish I'd told you to go where you belong. Another tip: telling a girl she'd be hotter with a boob job isn't flattering. Also, kissing a girl who's giving you no indication she wants to be kissed, with morning breath even, is a no go. I hope you've grown up.

Dear Timothy:
I'm not sure where my infatuation came from. Familiarity? The fact you were kind to me when so few were? You were always kind. I spent many years pining for you, wishing you'd feel for me the way I felt for you. You must have known that I had a crush on you. I was so aggressive in trying to get you to pay attention to me. Ironic how I wanted nothing more than for you to see me as more than your best friend's little sister, when I acted exactly like an annoying little sister. Even when I wrote you that letter, leaving it in your suit jacket, detailing exactly how crazy I was about you. A lesser boy would have mocked me. A lesser boy would have told his friends and used the opportunity to embarrass me, feeling embarrassed himself at such an intense letter. I only recently realized how much it means that you never did. Your only words on the subject were ever, "I'm sorry." I don't know if you know how much power you had over me. You could have destroyed me. But you only ever treated me with kindness. The years after, when we became actual friends, were full of adolescent craziness, and it was wonderful having you to talk to. I never stopped loving you, but I felt like the weight of needing you to know was gone. When you left on your mission, I loved you. Had you asked me to wait for you, I would have. I don't know if you wanted me to, but if you did, you were weren't selfish enough to ask me to. I would never have met Aaron. I would never have loved Aaron. I don't know what would have happened after your mission, but I hope that, if you ever did have feelings for me, that I didn't hurt them. I'd never do so intentionally.

Dear Clayton:
I thought what I felt for you was as good as it got. I loved your eyes and your mother. I remember feeling like your family was too familiar to me for our relationship to be temporary. It all felt like deja vu. I tried so hard to get you to adore me like you had at the beginning. I sometimes wonder; if you'd shown even a little bit of interest in my faith, would we have married? I don't know. I wonder if we'd have been happy together. Something tells me very much no. I am thankful I chose my faith. I say that with no malice or hard feelings. I'm 100% confident that a lasting relationship between us would have been a mistake and I am thankful that we didn't take the opportunity to hurt each other that way.

Dear Aaron:
I still can't believe this is our life. I will always be thankful that we met that day and that I demanded you take me out without inhibitions. I am sure that we met in the life before this and that we will be together in the life after. It has not always been easy, and it will get hard again, I'm sure. But every day, I go to sleep with a heart full of gratitude that you are mine and I am yours. In retrospect, marrying a person you've only known ten months when you still live in your mom's house is not the smartest move ever, but it has worked out. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you do; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I look forward to honoring the covenants we made that August day for the rest of my life. I have made you and the children we made together the center of my world, and I intend to keep it that way. I don't care that the world tells me that my job is menial, that I am foolish and naive to think that we will always be together. The world doesn't know you, and it doesn't know me. I know you. I know the sounds you make as you sleep. I know the way you smell. The curve of your lips, the sound of your voice when you say my name. I know that when I need a swift kick, you will be there to give it to me, and that you will follow up with lots of affection. I know the way it feels when you are smiling at my back, thinking that I am beautiful, and I know how it feels when you are burning angry lasers in my back. I know that at the end of the day, I can rely on you to be there, even when you are not here. I know that no matter how far apart we are, and no matter how angry we may be at each other, when you close your eyes at night and when you open them in the morning, you love me. And I love you, Aaron. Every day, every moment, I love you. Now, and forever ever.

Striped fingerless gloves w/ button flap

 

 I think I kinda wrote a pattern. I've done it once or twice, but never shared it. So here goes.

Materials:

• DK weight wool (what's the point of knitting a warm-weather garment if it's not going to keep you warm?) in two colors. I used Patons Classic Wool Superwash DK in black and mallard teal. Black is my main color, and teal is my contrast. I used less than half a ball of the blue and about 2/3 of a ball of the black. I'm betting you could just use one ball of one color if you liked.
• size 4US knitting needles; either double points, two circulars or a long circular for Magic Loop, whatever your preference is.
• 2 stitch markers
• darning needle
• two 1/2-inch buttons (optional--do yourself a favor, and if you buy superwash yarn, make sure your buttons are machine washable too. I know this from experience.)
• waste yarn or stitch holders for thumbs

Instructions:

1. Using A, or MC, or black (whichever you want to call it,) cast on 36 stitches using the long tail cast on. Being careful not to twist, join in the round and knit 2x2 rib for 15 rounds. (That's k2,p2.) 
2. Knit one row plain. From here on out, you will be alternating the teal and black, knitting two stripes of each color, until the end ribbing. 
3. Switching every other row between teal and black, knit 7 stripes. Remember to twist at each round, and pull the yarn fairly tightly. The "seam" is going to visible, but you want it to be less noticeable. This piece isn't meant to stretch a lot lengthwise, so pulling too tightly isn't too much of an issue as long as you don't get crazy. Your last stripe should be teal.
4. Knit one row in black.
   
   Important: the gloves are knit indentically up until the thumb gusset. Then, the left and right thumbs are worked differently, so as to place the "seam" under the thumb/on the palm side so it's not as visible.  
   Right:
   
   1. K1, pm, kfb, k1, kfb, pm, k to end of round.
   2. Knit two rows plain, remembering to alternate colors every two rows.
   3. Repeat the last 3 rows until you have 13 sts between your markers. 
   4. Knit one more row plain. 
   5. K1, rm, slip 13 sts to waste yarn. Cast on 3 stitches using backward loop, rm, and knit to the end of the round. (36 sts.)
   Left:
   
   1. Knit to the last 4 sts, pm, kfb, k1, kfb, pm, k1.
   2. Knit two rows plain, remembering your stripes.
   3. Repeat the last 3 rows until you have 13 sts between your markers. 
   4. Knit one more plain row. 
   5. K to marker, rm, slip 13 sts to waste yarn. Cast on 3 stitches using backward loop, rm, k1. (36 sts.)
      
   The gloves are knit the same again from this point on.
   
   
   1. Knit 5 more stripes, ending with teal. 
   2. Knit one plain row in black.
   3. Knit 5 rows 2x2 ribbing.
   4. *K2, P2, K2, P2tog,* repeat between *, end with k2, p2.
   5. *K2, P2, K2, P1,* repeat between * end with k2, p1.
   6. Use Jeny's surprisingly stretchy bind off in pattern.
   
   Thumbs:
   
   1. Transfer held stitches to your needles and, using black pick up 3 (or a couple more) stitches from the backward loop cast on. When I pick up stitches here, I like to pick up one or two extras, to minimize the holes. Then I decrease as needed on the following row. I picked up 5 st, then decreased two on the following row for 16 thumb stitches.
   2. Work one row black, two rows teal, and one more row black. 
   3. Knit 2x2 rib for 3 rounds.
   4. Bind off, not using Jeny's, but not too tightly either. It's not unheard of for me to have to undo my cast on till I get the right tension. 
   
   Here, you'll weave in your ends and wear, or move on to add the wrist strap and button. Your choice. I think they're cute either way. (I'd still go ahead and weave in the ends before picking up stitches for the strap.)
   
   For each glove, you'll turn it over so the palm side is up, and pick up stitches directly below the thumb, and on the "inside" of the stripe-change "seam." You should pick them up so the flap comes out from the side of the seam closest to the palm. Leave a long-ish tail to sew the strap down with later. You'll be picking up 6 stitches, starting at the bottom of the black stripe directly below the thumb, and spanning the next 3 stripes down. You should have 4 stripes below the "strap." Remember, you are picking up stitches perpendicular to the stripes, so your strap will be running parallel to them.
   
   
   
   
   •  Knit in stockinette for 3.5 inches. 
   • K1, k2tog, ssk, k1.
   • Purl.
   • Knit.
   • Purl.
   • Bind off. (If you pay close attention, you'll see that I decreased again, but I didn't like how that ended up looking, so your strap end won't be so pointy.) Leave a good 6+ inches of tail for sewing down.
     
     
     
    Wet block the gloves. You don't want to stretch them (although they'll likely grow just a bit,) but you want to use as many pins as necessary to flatten out the strap and eliminate the curl.
   

   

   See how curly?

   
   

   
   

   

   I know it seems like a ridiculous amount of pins but you don't want scallops.

   
   

   
   

   Once they are all dry, just sew the flap down (using those crazy tails) and attach a button near the end of the flap! 



Voila!

 

5. I hope this is written okay; if you have any (constructive) feedback, please let me know! I've never posted a pattern I sort of came up with before, so be kind. I say "sort of" because really, is any pattern truly original? It's all just combinations of stuff other people have done before. To that end, use this pattern however you want to. If you feel like giving me credit, I thank you. Happy knitting!

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Knitty chatter

I'mma knit me a  sweater. Most anyone who talks to me for more than 15 seconds knows that I love to knit (and crochet!) It's something I always wanted to do, and set out to learn a few years ago. With the help of my mom and some instructional books, that's just what I did. And something strange happened...I found a hobby.
Now, I have always wanted a hobby. But I'm not good at things. I can cook, and I can make you laugh, but I wouldn't call cooking a hobby, more something that needs to be done so it gets done well. And the laughing, well half the time I don't even mean for that to happen. That is a talent, but not a hobby.
I scrapbooked a little once. That costs a lot of money to start up. And I can sew, but that takes a lot of time to set up and take down, and it's noisy. Not the best hobby for someone who's trying to steal a moment here and there with her young children afoot. Yarnwork is so quiet, so portable. You can take it with you anywhere. You can work on it while your toddler naps on the couch next to you. You can take a spare ten minutes and actually get something accomplished!
So now, I am a knitter. And a hooker.I am also a self-professed yarn snob and not ashamed of it. I spend much of my computer time perusing Ravelry either to find ways to use up yarn I have in my stash, or to get ideas for what projects I might want to buy yarn FOR. I have made lots of knitty friends, and my weekly "me" night is spent at the local yarn shop, which hosts a weekly knit night for those of us who want to shop, visit, and get tips and advice. They sell many luxury yarns that make you just want to curl up in them and sleep amid a whirlwind of color. The two owners, not to mention the half dozen employees, are friendly, outgoing, and knowledgeable. I have never left the store feeling like I've wasted my time, and to be honest, knit night may have saved my life while I battled postpartum depression.
I love to knit. I've taught a few friends to knit, and my new biggest fear is to be incapacitated in the hands. I am thankful for a hobby that I love and that enables me to make a little money and make beautiful and whimsical things for people I love.

Now, onto the meat of this post.
I alter patterns. I very rarely follow a pattern to the letter. I often mean to, but then I fudge and it comes out all my own. I am working on a top right now, a short-sleeved fitted sweater with a keyhole neck and little pockets built right in. I am using a lovely hand-dyed, robin's egg superwash wool, and foregoing the pockets on the bottom. It is going to be lovely, and I hope it fits me the way it fits the model in the photo.
I also ordered yarn last night for a wonderful sweater that I am dang near gutting in order to make it my own. The pattern is called "Snowbird" and it is a cardigan sweater with very long sleeves, about upper-thigh length. It is knit in a few pieces in reverse stockinette, with stockinette false seams and a thick collar of stockinette. I especially love the patch pockets. Now, you may ask why I would alter the pattern drastically if I am so in love with the way it looks. Think of it as buying a house. It's perfect because you can make it your own. And I'mma gonna. I'm starting with a dark blue heathered wool. I am starting at the neck with a provisional cast-on, and working a seed stitch collar which will continue down the front of the sweater, on the cuffs, the hem, and the pockets. Instead of reverse stockinette, I will be knitting in stockinette. I have not decided if I am going to go ahead and seed stitch on the false hems, or just skip them altogether. It will be upper-thigh length on me, and then I will add a hood at the end, including the same seed stitch panel as will be present down the front of the sweater. I am so excited to start, and I can't wait to share.

Thanks for reading!

I Want to be a Tool.

Today, in Relief Society, a sister in my ward gave a lesson on service. She compared us to workman's tools; a small and mighty screwdriver, a wrench she called the "no instructions needed" tool, a more specialized "bishop's tool" used for only one or two things but which no other tool could do, and a "beasty yet sensitive" torque wrench. She asked several other sisters in the ward to come forward and share about times in their lives when they have been blessed by service either by serving others or being the one served. She spoke of several stories in the scriptures where Christ served his kingdom, and finished by challenging each of us to be the kind of tool we ARE, and use whatever talent we have inside of us to serve our fellow man, and in so doing, to serve Christ. We finished with they hymn "As Sisters in Zion," which always chokes me up...and that can be pretty embarrassing when you're the chorister. These are the lyrics:

As sisters in Zion, we'll all work together;
The blessings of God on our labors we'll seek.
We'll build up his kingdom with earnest endeavor;
We'll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.

The errand of angels is given to women;
And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim;
To do whatsoever is gentle and human;
To cheer and to bless in humanity's name.

How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,
If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.
Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition
Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

I never can remember past the first verse because that's when I tear up and lose my place. Those first two lines of the second verse fill me with something I can't really explain. The errand of angels. The idea that our job as women is to be a comfort and bring about kindness and growth to each other, just feels so right. As I'm writing this I'm thinking that this has to do with the natural birth movement; the idea of women attending women in their hour of need. Maybe this is why natural birthing, breastfeeding peer support, and the like mean so much to me. But I am getting off-topic. The purpose of my writing today was these words that the teacher spoke today; "Some of you may think you don't have anything to offer in service to your sisters, but we each have some talent that will benefit someone, no matter how small it may seem to you."

What is my talent? What is my service? And when I offer, is it given as a service or is my message clouded by my own imperfect expectations? Am I showing the love of Christ to those I encounter? Am I shining with the light of Christ? I don't know if I am. But I want to. I don't know my God the way He knows me. And I want to. The only way I can do this is by studying the works He has given us full of loving instruction and reprimand, and by speaking to Him, personally, every day. I am disappointed in my own complacency and lack of effort. This needs to change. The only way I will know I am doing what He wants me to do, is by knowing HIM. I want to be a tool, used by Him to bring His love to others who may not be feeling it at the time. I need to work harder at being less selfish...or less broadly selfish at least. I know there are times that selfishness is a good thing, but I think I use it too much, I rely upon myself too much, forgetting how much He loves me, and how He wants me to turn to Him, how much He wants to help me with my burdens that feel so heavy at times I worry I'll be crushed. This means that I have work to do, and I am eager to do it.

Recommitment

So most of you know that I don't believe in New Year's "resolutions." I think a lot of people think of a list of things they don't like about themselves and overwhelm themselves. You don't overhaul your personality all at once. It doesn't work. So I've been known to make a few goals, work on a few bad habits, but I don't really think of them a resolutions.
This year, I have some goals; to get caught up on laundry (and stay caught up) by the end of this month, and to get my garage cleaned up and organized by the time the baby comes. Both kind of large undertakings, but I know we can get them done. (Yeah, I'm not trying to do it all on my own when I'm pregnant. That would be crazypants.)
Now, I haven't been to church in awhile; after finding out I was pregnant and all the tired and pukey hit, and then with the surgery, it's been over a month. It's always amazing to me how easy it is to not go, even when it's not hard TO go. And the longer you go without going to church, the easier it is to just roll over and say, "Forget it, maybe next week." What also amazes me is how I don't realize how much my lack of attendance affects me until I'm sitting in church, filled with peace at knowing I'm where I should be, and feeling the promptings of the Spirit telling me to listen to what's being said, and to apply it to my own life, for my sake and my family's. On the way home, we talked as a family about what we'd learned today and how to recommit ourselves to living the Gospel to its fullest. We are severely lacking in daily prayer, daily scripture study, and Family Home Evening. Something that occurred to me today is that I am the one who is usually the facilitator of these things. And just like one person doing all the housework isn't fair, it isn't fair for one person to be the decider of whether things happen or not. So I asked for everyone's help, and we all made a commitment to each other to encourage us all to do these things we are commanded to do, and to participate fully. I feel really good about it, and I look forward to the blessings our actions will inevitably bring.

Thanks for reading.

Been awhile

Boy, has it been a long time since I updated! I've been terrible about reading my friends' blogs, too; for that I apologize. Life has been pretty hectic since we've moved in here. I am not one to settle right in and make home; maybe by the time Aaron retires in 15 years I will have that little skill down. Our garage is such a giant mess, and I am buried in laundry. Most of you know why this is; around the time I was writing my last blog, unbeknownst to us, we made a new addition to our family. I am now 11 weeks along, and the baby is due July 27th. It has been a big huge adjustment to my mental. I am a bit of a control freak, and I like to plan things. So being pregnant as a surprise has been a bit of a struggle, mentally. I am coming around, though! I hired a midwife yesterday who I'm really excited about, and I'm planning a waterbirth here at the house. I never really was interested in a waterbirth before, but while laboring with Jack I kept wishing I had a nice tub. So I'm pretty excited about that, and I guess I didn't realize how much I was stressing about it. I feel so much better, more relaxed, and more able to focus on the joy that is a new baby.
Aaron and I have been teasing each other a lot about what the baby's gender might be. (A lot of people have been asking me if I know the gender yet....I don't understand this. I'm only 11 weeks.) When I first got pregnant, I was really wanting a boy. In a "If I have to be pregnant it better be a friggin' boy" way. As time has gone on, I have been feeling unendingly girl feelings. Of course, I was convinced Libby was a boy, so who knows. We'll hopefully find out around the beginning of March. Aaron has been pushing for a boy. I know we'll both be happy either way, although I do think it'd be nice for Jack to have a brother.
This pregnancy so far has been a whirlwind. Finding out right before Thanksgiving, waiting for the morning sickness to kick in so I could feel confident that Baby was sticking. On December 10th, I woke up with a pain in my side that I'd been trying to ignore for a couple of days. That morning, it was intense. I decided to call my neighbor and ask her to watch the kids, and have Aaron come home and take me to the ER. I couldn't walk the kids over to the neighbor's house, and by the time Aaron got home I was a whimpering mess on the floor. I'm sure it must have been scary for him to come home to that. He carried me into the ER, and a few tests later an OB came in and told me that it looked like what I had was a standard uterine pregnancy along with a tubal pregnancy on the right side. The chances of this are 1 in 30,000, and the only solution was surgery. If I left it to rupture, it could kill me, and methotrexate, a chemical solution, would destroy the uterine pregnancy as well. I was fine until they wheeled me away from Aaron. I panicked for a minute seeing him walk away but I knew this needed to be done. The personnel at the hospital were very kind to me, and the surgery went without a hitch. Instead of a tubal pregnancy, what they found was a blood-filled cyst on my right Fallopian tube. Removal went fine, and I was sent home that night. I recovered fine, except for a couple of stubborn undissolved stitches, and baby hung on despite a 50/50 chance of miscarriage.
We stayed home during the holidays due to cost, and I think we've discovered a new joy in a nice, relaxing holiday at home. When we go visiting for the holidays, there is always a lot of scheduling and traveling...everyone lives so far apart! It has been nice not to run all over the puckerbrush anymore.
As a result of the pregnancy, my milk supply is diminishing like crazy, so, alas, I'm forced to wean Jack. It was really hard for me to admit at first, but obviously some things are beyond our control. We are starting with night weaning, and it's going pretty well. It's exhausting, though.
My little girl is turning 8 in a few weeks, and her Grammie and Poppa are coming up for a couple of weeks to be here for her baptism and hopefully give Aaron and I some much-needed couple's time. Then, in March, we are hoping for a visit from my brother and his family. I can't wait to meet my niece! And, maybe in April, my bff will be visiting. So this should be a very exciting spring, and I'm sure it'll fly by!
That's what I've got for now. Hopefully it won't be 3 months before I update again. Thank you for reading.

Italian Sausage and Pepper Pasta

This is freakin' amazing. EAT IT!

1 package fresh Italian sausage, mild or hot (your preference) I like Johnsonville.
Evoo
4 cloves garlic, chopped or grated
1 whole white onion, chopped
1 each yellow, green, orange, and red bell peppers, sliced into thin strips
1 small can tomato paste
1 8 0z can tomato sauce
Salt and pepper to taste
Fettucine or other hearty pasta
Italian cheese blend
Garlic bread (I like Pepperidge Farm)

Preheat the oven for the bread and put on a big pot of salted water to boil.

Prick the sausages with a fork or knife and put them in a skillet with about half an inch of water and 2 tbsp of EVOO. Turn the heat onto medium-high and bring it to a boil. Then turn it down to a simmer. After the water boils off, the sausages will get brown and crispy in the oil.

In a saucepan, heat about 2 tbsp of EVOO and add the garlic and onions till they get soft. Then add the peppers strips and cook and stir till they are tender. Then add the tomato paste and about 1/2 a cup of water to the pan. Stir till the tomato is diluted and evenly spread about the pan. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Then add the tomato sauce and mix it all up. Bring to a boil, then turn down to a simmer and cover.

When you put the pasta in to boil, put the bread in the oven. Drain the pasta when it's al dente or just shy of.

When everything is all cooked, put the pasta in a baking pan and toss gently with most of the sauce. Nestle the sausages down into the saucey pasta and pour the remaining sauce on top. Cover the whole thing with lots of cheese. Take the bread out and turn off the oven. Then put the baking pan in the oven until the cheese all melts.

Take out of the oven and serve with yummy bread alongside. Enjoy!